Hail BhaaNaa! (Part I)

Bhaarteeya Naari. The concept is like ‘Maa ka aanchal’. You can use it as a cover when you feel defiled. Like a shield, when you feel you could be mauled. Right from the Botox-ed Auntyji next door to the boob-popping, navel-pierced starlet, everyone around mind you, are avatars of ideal BhaaNaa (Why not? It’s the SMS era, folks!).

But half of you don’t know how to put the BhaaNaa tag to its best use. It’s very simple. Read on:

Method 1
The dress
Pick up a bustier that’s half your size. Never mind if you are fighting for breath. And it’s a sin if your skirt covers your undie or if your pair of jeans doesn’t reveal a valley from behind. Both frontal and dorsal cleavage showing is mandatory. Otherwise how will you put your BhaaNaa tag to it’s best use. Apart from all these, gloss, mascara, concealer, coloured lenses, rebounded hair left loose, an eyebrow raised and of course your liplined-pout should be in place.

The walk
(Make sure you wear stilettos that make your calf muscles gleam like Arnie’s lusty biceps. Wear the buckle loose, let it slip now and then. And why so? I’m coming to that…).

Now forget that you are a human. Start looking at yourself as a grandfather’s clock. Or to be precise, your face’s a clock so proportionately your hips are the pendulum. So there you go, let it swing like one. And strut with some force, alright. Every appendage should feel the momentum and swing along.

The action
And then... the strap of your stiletto come off. Say ouch! And then bend low to pull in place.

But of course there’ll be men around and so you’ll hear the choicest of ‘unsavoury compliments.’ The BhaaNaa within you will be stirred. You will rise to the occasion. Walk up to those roadside romeos and either yell or slap them. You are a BhaaNaa, after all, how can they do this to you? Being a Bharteeya Naari, you can also deliver a long lecture about how to behave with mothers and sisters. And if they continue to behave funny, just yell for help. Just say, ‘Bachao! Mujhe yeh ladke tang kar rahe hain’. At least 30 people will come to your aid, be rest assured about that.

You call pull out another bustier the next day, conveniently. Hail BhaaNaa!

Method 2
The dress
This is not for the ordinary dames. If you have a terrific reputation, especially when our name’s in newsprint and face on the TV, then this is just the right method for you.

See, you need to be always seen in the kind of attire I just wrote above. But you are a BhaaNaa. So you’d go to temples, but of course. So then you need to wear a white, lime yellow or pista green Lucknowi salwar kameez. Team it up with thick-rimmed glasses, a la, Jassi. And yes, don’t forget to cover your head, it’s the BhaaNaa mark. Bindi is optional, though.

But what about occasions? Hmmmm, a red squeezy backless number, how’s that? Make-up. What do I say about that? You are your best judge when it comes to that.

The occasion
Make sure you are seen in the most A-Z-list parties. Hugging and kissing all and sundry is a must. You have no choice. BhaaNaa’s no shy girl, body rubbing’s in her blood.

And if it’s a birthday party, make sure you are arm-locked with the birthday boy (It’s important to go for every guy-who’s-had-his-name-in-the-newsprint’s birthday. TV will be there, believe you me). It’s important, otherwise how’ll you put your BhaaNaa tag to good use. Make sure you pinch his cheeks and kiss him as mnay times as you can. The spotlight will automatically be on you. Play the temptress, like always.

The action
Make sure that the birthday boy’s tipsy and so are you before the cake’s cut. Be a part of the action now. Feed cake to the birthday boy, smear it on his face. Make sure your tongue’s slightly out. He’ll definitely protest, but you don’t stop. Then pull out a tissue and wipe his face, your mouth has to be slightly open now…

And then, he’ll yank you to him, grab you and muah! Straight on your open mouth…

You are left gaping, caught my numerous cameras. The BhaaNaa within you is stirred. You break into tears, you are feel defiled.

You gather your senses and look for a shirt, cover up and start issuing statements to everyone present…

“Usne mujhe smooch kyon kiya? Main ek BhaaNaa hoon, I will not allow a lip-lock.”

Sympathy wave, rest assured. Also, you’ll be famous for being a BhaaNaa for the rest of your life. Just lie back and relax. Hail BhaaNaa!

TO BE CONTINUED…